Being Reclusive….

It seems as of late I’ve been turning into a J.D. Salinger type of person, I haven’t quite ran away to the backwoods of New Hampshire and cut myself off from everyone, but I’ve noticed been staying in the house a great deal. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy leaving the house and going out in public, though lately I’ve seem to stop enjoying the things I used to enjoy. Maybe it’s the fact that my legs have been giving me a hard time, and long distance walking really bothers my legs. Another reason perhaps is I tend to be self- conscious, I know it sounds crazy but I am. I can’t help but think what are people thinking about of how I look while I am walking, you know the guy limping around the store, yes I have crazy thoughts at times. I tend to shop at stores where there are carriages, so I have something to hang on to when I shop, while I like malls all the walking involved seems a bit challenging for me. I used to love going to concerts, however, with a Foley Catheter I’m always afraid I may get a leak in my bag, oh yes, this has happened to me on a few occasions, thankfully I was close to home when these incidents happened.

I never set out to be a recluse, I used to leave the house when I worked full time, and therein lies one of my major issues, I stopped working.  When I was working I had a sense of greater self worth, and as of late not so much. Since I’ve stopped working I feel at times worthless, I know that sounds harsh but that’s how I feel. It’s the sense of worthlessness and crumbling self-confidence which has turned me to be a somewhat of a reclusive person and I’ve become comfortable with that. I hate when I am out and I run into someone whom I haven’t seen in a while, I know they’re going to ask that dreadful question, where are you working? The look on their faces when I tell them I am on disability says it all, which lowers my self-confidence even more .  I know I’ll get myself out of my little funk, I just don’t know how long it’s going to take. No one ever said living with spina bifida was going to an easy journey, I just need to convince myself I have a great deal to offer the world, I know it’s there, I just need to let it out.

Anything is possible if you believe……

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