Waking Up In The Morning…. Is Becoming Very Difficult!

Lately I’ve been lying in bed long after I’ve been awake, sometimes I just lay there for over an hour. I’m not sure what’s going on. It seems I’ve been dreading to get my day started. My dreams have been better than the time I spend awake. In my dreams everything is fine; no health issues to worry about, which is my main problem these days.I look back to when I didn’t need a cane to help me walk or a wheelchair for long distance walking. Back then, things were not always great, however, they were better than they are now. I relish the time back when I was working full-time doing something which made be extremely happy. Those days are gone and it’s been a struggle finding something to do that makes me happy and that gives me a sense of self-esteem and self-worth. What’s left of my self-esteem and confidence has been dwindling rapidly, I just can’t seem to get out of this funk that I’m in.
There are a few things that are going for me, and that’s a good thing. My weight loss which has been in a stand still is moving along, it seems that I’ve hit a brick wall and just needed to put in more of a effort. The cardio sessions have been much better now that I’ve been watching Netflix on my iPad while I’m riding the stationary bike. Perhaps, I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe I’m expecting too much.
The main issue with me is I keep thinking of the past, and what I could have done differently when it came to making decisions concerning my health. Unfortunately, there is no time machine where you can just turn back time and have a do over in life, trust me when I say I wish there was.These things have been eating at me for the past few months. It’s not that I want to lay in bed for a long time, it’s I guess I dread the though of what the day might bring. Will there be a medical issue, will the pain and discomfort worsen, will my ability to walk worsen. All of these issues are a constant thought in my mind, and it’s not healthy. It’s not like I don’t have anything to do throughout my day. I could do some photography, I could work on my writing. I’ve been stuck at 47,000 words for the last eight months. It’s not like the story which I’m writing sucks, it’s actually pretty good. I’ve got plenty of things to keep me occupied, but the what ifs keep coming up in my mind.
I can’t change the past or the decisions that I made, or more importantly didn’t make. Perhaps the past will just keep haunting me forever, I’m hoping it won’t. It’s doing me no good to sit in my room and daydream of what could’ve been. I’m just hoping waking up in the morning becomes easier…

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